Still Alive

I’m limping along. I did not anticipate just how depressing it would be to not be able to walk properly for so long (it’s been over a month now). My foot is almost back to normal, but I still can’t walk as far or comfortably as I want, and it’s really hard to cope with some days. It’s one of those things I just take for granted, that there’s no reason not to spend half an hour walking somewhere to get a bite to eat or go shopping, but right now that’s really exhausting.

I’m also feeling disheartened by this discussion on women, tech, and the O’Reilly publishing empire. It’s the other half of why I skipped all my programming meetings this month. Not that they aren’t mostly welcoming groups, but sometimes I feel really overwhelmed, like I barely have the technical knowledge to even participate and no one cares what else I can do so I may as well stay home.

I read way too many blog posts about the world o’ tech, so maybe this is on my mind more than it needs to be, but I feel like women are expected to either be just like the guys and blend in without ever mentioning clothing, cooking, or a desire to take a break from writing the next fabulous AJAX library once in a while, or they have to be creative/communicative and design graphics or do marketing or study community collaboration. No major hacking for the girls.

It doesn’t help that I’m really frustrated with my job right now. I feel like the managers I deal with are very critical of the actions of some employees, to the point of micromanaging them, and at the same time allow gross incompetence and very unprofessional behavior from other people. And the people (including myself) who find they have to double check everything and cc like crazy to cover their ass are women, while the person who gets away with the worst job behavior (to the point of being handed easier tasks when he gets confused or frustrated with the work his coworkers are expected to do–despite having the same job title and presumably receiving similar pay) is male.

And I don’t know if what I’m seeing is happening because of gender or not, but I think it’s a factor, just based on watching how the managers deal with other men and women in general. I’m really unhappy about feeling like I have to justify every single thing I do at my job, even though I’ve been there over a year and was had a positive review in July. Especially when I see other people doing very bad work and not seeming to receive any kind of significant reprimand. When I started here, there was a guy who barely did any work or follow up with the customers and instead spent a lot of time on the phone talking to various cousins about arranged marriages… and when he finally left to go work elsewhere, the VP of our department actually came around to thank the guy for his good service. What?

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Anyhow, I’ve been feeling the need for some stress relief, so I bought myself a Nintendo DS. It’s almost as sexy as my iPod. The display quality is great, it has a shiny black case, and I have a copy of Age of Empires waiting for me right now.

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